Samira Jafar
Exclusive to The Times Kuwait
I think when I was born, I must have imagined myself in a place that was different from where I actually was; some sunny field where the sky was a backdrop for a colorful rainbow and ponies frolicked in thick green grass. Not a cold hospital. My detachment from reality needed to have started somewhere. As a child, I was always asked by friends and teachers: why are you smiling? My daydreams were (and are) so vivid that it often feels like they are being played out in real time. I am not me: I am a character in some story so much more vibrant than the one I am living, and I have trouble closing the book.
One of the reasons why I think I was born this way was because it was somewhat written out. My birth chart analysis reads that I will only ever be happiest in my dream world. In said dream world, events are unpredictable and otherworldly. Some days, I am a mother coddling my children. On others, I am a famous actress. Rarely, I am a doctoral student sitting in an old library in front of a stack of books, my reading glasses held delicately behind my ears. But my favorite daydream is the one where I have it all: the New York Times bestselling novel, the kids, the dream house, the degree. This is the one that gets played out most often.
I used to view my fictitiousness as a crutch. As I grew up, I noticed some cracks in my dream worlds. One: reality is very different; colder, more austere. This can make embracing reality so difficult. I am kind of like a petulant child. I do not want this to be real. Get me out of this nightmare. Second: the people I was crafting were not the same ones that existed in my plane of reality. This led to me romanticizing certain people who did not deserve it and maybe villainizing people who also did not deserve it. For a long time, I wanted to lock my dream worlds away for good. I thought my dreams were keeping me infantile and held back by delusions that would never come true.
But they did come true. Not all of them, of course. But I found that the less I fought my dreams and the more I embraced them, the more I could create the life I wanted for myself. So often, we are told to reduce or shrink ourselves. Things we want to do are seen as unlikely and unnecessary. We shove our aspirations aside to fully embrace the monotony of everyday life. Then we reach age 50 or so and wonder why we are miserable and nothing happened the way we thought it would. We blame the world when yes, it is partially to blame. But we are also to blame. We are the ones who reduce ourselves so drastically that what is left behind is basically an empty shell with discarded passions and purpose. We fail ourselves. We fail the version of us that wanted to be embraced and nurtured.
So I decided to be delusional. I am so delusional that I do things without thinking of how they will be received. I published two books of poetry and spoke about events that happened in my life because I created a reality where people’s reception of my work meant nothing. But I want to re-write that. I did not ‘create’ that reality. That is the reality. It is my life. Whatever I want to accept and reject within it is part of my power. Take your free will back. Use it to imagine a world with a big blue sky and rolling hills and waterfalls and endless possibilities at your fingertips. If not, we run the risk of not only becoming nihilistic about the world, but also about ourselves. We doubt the possibilities because we do not believe we can make it happen or we are afraid of what people will say about us if we’re seen trying.
Something important to note: the ‘trying’ is key. I will not ever be delusional without putting in the work. On Substack, for example, I hope to have more readers and connect to more people, but I do not expect that to happen without any substantial effort. That is why I post at least weekly. The same thing for my writing: I seek out feedback and courses and advice and improvement because I actually want to put in the work necessary to achieve my goals. But after all that is said and done, I know that any work I put into anything will be futile if I do not believe. It is like the universe can smell the negativity coming off of you. If you do not believe in yourself, why should anyone believe in you?
Now when I catch myself being held back by doubt or even jealousy, I remember that some day I will be in the position I want to be in because I have what it takes to make it happen. A good manifestation for this: I will not be afraid to be seen trying. I have done it before and I can do it again. If I never push myself and never actively try, I will probably never know. I will not be afraid of being seen as delusional for believing in my dreams. In fact, I will proudly wear the label of delusion. As someone once said: “You are only cringe until you are successful.”
Samira Jafar is an English instructor at Kuwait University. She is the author of two collections of poetry. You can reach her at
@samirawritesstuff on instagram or
samirajafar.substack.com
