Bring back being a decent person
Contrary to popular belief, you do owe it to people
By Samira Jafar
Exclusive to The Times Kuwait
I think we can all agree that the world seems very crazy right now. More aptly, it was always crazy, but everything from political events and humanitarian crises to the prevalence of social media has brought people’s malice to the forefront of many interactions. Now, we do not necessarily assume everyone is a ‘good person’, or at least I cannot. This is because their actions do not reflect that, and the only way I can know a person is through what they do and speak.
I get it: life is tough. It is easy to get consumed by the day-to-day, especially when we are overworked and stressed and feel an intrinsic desire to ‘put ourselves first’. But people have been using this as an excuse to be a ‘not-so-nice’ person. Were we always this way? Or does the anonymity of social media and prevalence of consumerism and numbness of world events overshadow our empathy? That is an interesting topic to explore, but for now I will cover the three ways in which we should bring back being a decent person.
Care about the world around you: People’s rights are being taken away as we speak. A genocide has been perpetuated against Palestinians in Gaza for the past two years. There is a humanitarian crisis in the Congo. Due to the civil war in Sudan, its population has been starved since April 2023. The cause of all of these issues—colonialism, racism, Islamophobia— would not exist without the foundation of these ideologies, which is that some people are ‘less than’ and that empathy is selective.
I can give you all an example of this. A food creator from New York City made a video where she went to an Israeli restaurant to try ‘Israeli’ food. Obviously, her followers were upset, but instead of listening to their reasoning, this creator chastised them by labeling herself as ‘obviously pro-Palestinian’”Then, she begrudgingly went to a Palestinian restaurant, a damn-here-you-go attempt to appease those who were upset with her. “My channel is not political, you guys,” she said. The Palestinian cafe owner told her his life story and fed her for free.
This is a clear example of selective empathy for a few reasons. Experiencing internet criticism is not nearly as bad as experiencing genocide, and yet she wanted the world to see her, to consider her, to know that she is obviously a Good Person.
But how can we know whether or not you are? The only way we can judge anyone is by their outward actions and words, and so when you are silent about genocide and supportive of an oppressor, we can only deduce what kind of a person you are from that. Furthermore, the expectation that people feel sorry for you when you have done nothing to show that you care about them is a wild one to have.
There is no such thing as a situation that does not affect you, especially when you profit from rage-bait views on videos you made to provoke people. But approaching the situation with this kind of mindset shows you have the capacity to care, you just do not point it towards situations that require the exertion of empathy.
You alone will not save the world from its mistakes, but you can start by being the change you wish to see. By donating, by being kind to a stranger, by reaching out to someone you know who is going through a hard time. When we have a self-absorbed personal ideology, our capacity for sympathy is limited, even towards ourselves. We perpetuate a cycle of individualism in a society that thrives under collaboration and collectivism.
Be a good friend/sibling/child: Common discourse I have been seeing is this idea that you should always put yourself first and prioritize your peace over other people. This can be as expansive as carving out time for self-care to skipping your friend’s wedding because you do not feel ‘up to it’. I think that while it is important to tend to your needs, doing so above all else has made us selfish. Even if you are having a bad day or not in the mood, you should be there for the people who care about you. Of course, this has its limits, but unless the limitation is something severe, you really should not be making excuses for being a bad friend or sibling or child.
I saw someone say that “Inconvenience is the price we pay for community,” and that is one hundred percent valid. How can you expect people to cheer you on and support you when you do not do that for others? Why is it that when it comes to your needs, everyone should be accommodating, but you cannot extend the slightest bit of effort to make someone happy? You may think you do not owe anyone anything, but you kind of do.
If someone extended kindness to you in the past, then by nature of dues, you owe them kindness in return. But it seems like most people want to take and take without giving anything beyond their comfort zones. In friendships, I do not think it is valid to expect someone to be a good friend all of the time. People experience ups and downs. But when you are consistently self-centered with your choices, you cannot blame your community for abandoning you.
Sometimes I do not feel like going out or seeing people, but I will put the effort into the relationships that matter to me.
Stop hating people: Just because it happens online does not mean it is not hurtful. Just because you are talking behind someone’s back does not make it okay. I do not understand why modern culture is so hateful of anyone who expresses themselves or puts themselves out there. These will be the same people who complain about monotony and criticize people for being ‘basic’. It is not normal to hate someone you do not know or even to hate someone you do know whose actions are not really offensive for any meaningful reason.
I get hated on via my Instagram DMs, and it is not that it bothers me, but more so that some of the comments are witty and the energy and cleverness put towards me could be better used inwards. You could be a writer like I am if you cared about yourself more than you care about me.
That can also be said for all the Substack ‘critiques’ that are just thinly veiled jealousy against successful authors. What do you mean that you cannot stand Ocean Vuong because he cried in an interview and you cannot believe (for some reason) that his Vietnamese mother would be in Oprah’s book club?
I think critiques can be more valuable and substantial than simply saying “this person sucks.” Do they really suck, or does something about them trigger you because you identify it as lacking within yourself? With Ocean Vuong, for example, you could hate him because you do not have the same courage to be vulnerable, either when speaking to people or putting your own writing out there.
You can dislike his writing without hating him as a person. But hate has become so normalized and marketed in this day and age, which is a shame because most of what is being peddled to us is vain and empty. Rather, what is it that you wish to say about yourself that is being hidden in these attacks on others?
I do not know if the world will get more empathetic anytime soon or if we have fully succumbed to our human nature, searching for easy prey. Whatever it is, it could be the reason why people have stopped hanging around you. Just some food for thought.
Samira Jafar is an English instructor at Kuwait University. She is the author of two collections of poetry. You can reach her at @samirawritesstuff on instagram or samirajafar.substack.com
