By Hermoine Macura-Noble
Special to The Times Kuwait
If you’ve lived long enough, you know healthy friendships are vital to a happy and successful life and a potent medicine, especially when facing a crisis. “People with supportive social networks have been found to recover from cancer faster as it’s a fundamental need and affects our biology and psychology. The mark of modern culture is independence, and it has convinced us that self-sufficiency, self-fulfillment, and self-dependency are all required to be successful, which may be true if we measure success in monetary terms, but humans are social creatures and require a tribal association to survive,” explains Psychologist and Relationship Coach, Sadia Khan.
Some experts add that healthy friendships improve overall health and reduce anxiety and stress. They are a “vaccine” for improved health, according to researchers Patricia Sias and Heidi Bartoo. Defined as a voluntary interdependence of two persons over time involving companionship, intimacy, affection, and mutual assistance – genuine and healthy friendships lead to higher levels of self-esteem, psychosocial adjustment, and interpersonal sensitivity. Khan describes three ways to recognize a sincere friend.
“First, there is no competition – a real friend sees your success as their personal success. When you do well in life, they feel like they have also done well, as your wins are theirs. Even when someone compliments you, they take it as a personal compliment because they are so connected. The second is they offer good advice. They give you advice that will benefit you in the long run and will not encourage you to self-sabotage in any way, shape, or form. For example, if you tell them you need to sleep early, they won’t say, “Don’t be boring” they will say, “yes, you need to work out tomorrow, so go ahead and head home.” Lastly, they protect you and won’t let others speak negatively about you.”
Becoming a good friend is also quite simple. Khan says it begins with associating with people you genuinely want the best for. “When you surround yourself with people that you’re jealous or intimidated by, you will naturally find yourself becoming a bad friend, so only select friends that you’re proud of and want to see win in life,” she says.
Finding quality friends is not easy at any age, and older adults may have a more difficult time. “As we grow older, we tend to be less active as we are not in the workplace or environments where you can make friends,” says Pensioner Paul Ray.
One-third of adults aged 45 and older feel lonely, and around one-fourth of adults over 65 are socially isolated, according to a National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine report. Older adults are also at increased risk for loneliness and social isolation because they are more likely to face factors such as living alone, the loss of family or friends, chronic illness, and hearing loss.
“Both loneliness and isolation can harm our physical and mental health. Being lonely can increase stress hormones, weaken the immune system, and lead to depression, increasing the risk of developing dementia and heart disease. Additionally, loneliness can lead to social isolation, which can cause a lack of physical activity, unhealthy eating habits, and limited access to appropriate healthcare,” explains Khan.
Making friends later in life can be challenging but not impossible. Some people never progress beyond the friends they made in school or college or stick with family members. However, former school friends can drift away as we age and people pass on. If you’re struggling to strengthen your social circles, try these tips to make friends at any age.
Make time for your hobbies
A great way to make friends is to meet people with like-minded hobbies or interests. Brush up on your art skills with a community painting class, boost your endorphins with a group exercise class, or join a book club to enrich your overall happiness and provide an easy path to friendships. Hobbies can be a helpful tool in meeting others with like-minded interests.
Don’t be afraid to make the first move
Finding friendships requires you to take chances. Taking the initiative to spark conversation with someone or invite them on an outing can initially feel awkward. Don’t let the fear of rejection hold you back from making the first move and showing interest in getting to know someone. Don’t take it personally if your invitation is rejected or you don’t have a strong connection. Find other people who value you and are interested in being your friend.
Join a community or volunteer group
Psychologists say repeated exposure and shared interests are the two main elements that foster friendships. Community groups and volunteer programs can create a consistent routine that provides a natural rapport over time. Reach out to your local community center in your city to find opportunities and groups. If you’re passionate about a particular cause, contact an organization in your area to ask about volunteer opportunities. If you attend religious services, your place of worship may also host events and volunteer opportunities.
Work on your self-esteem
Building up your confidence can be a great help in finding friendships. Having a better understanding of yourself can help you attract people who fit the relationship you’re looking for and weed out shallow friendships. “People with lots of friends simply have one thing in common – They are authentic. They’re not trying to be somebody else, and they’re not trying to be smarter than they are. They form more friendships because people prefer to connect to authenticity….they feel like they can be themselves and skip the small talk,” says Khan.
Don’t be a taker only
Try not to be transactional. Healthy friendships typically require both parties to feel invested in the relationship. If it’s one-sided, this may not be the right person to focus on. Be authentic and vulnerable, but don’t use your friendship as an opportunity to take advantage of someone. Also, don’t eliminate the opposite sex. “Male/female friendships are essential for understanding how the other gender thinks, feels, and behaves…. It’s entirely possible to be friends with the opposite gender – You simply do not assume all relations need to have a romantic outcome,” concludes Khan.
Seek help if needed
If you’re struggling with emotions during your quest for friendship, consider contacting a mental health counselor for support. Experts say that there may be deep-seated issues like depression, anxiety, or trauma-related conditions that need to be addressed first. Conditions like depression can fuel social isolation, while anxiety can sometimes cause fears about engaging in social activities.
The first Australian English speaking News Anchor in the Middle East. She is also the Author of Faces of the Middle East and Founder of US-based 501c3 charity – The House of Rest which helps to ease the suffering of victims of war. For more from our Contributing Editor, you can follow her on Instagram, here.
