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Changing the blame game
December 15, 2013, 1:06 pm

Ensuring marital harmony and improving relationship involves proactive interactions between husband and wife. Rather than focusing all your attention on your husband’s flaws, it is important to look at your own limitations and focus on empowering yourself. You can only change your part in the equation, but that gives you a lot of power. Here are a few ideas on how to go about taking charge and changing behaviors that are holding you apart.

Don’t build a case: Case-building is a huge problem in any relationship; once you start to see your husband in a negative way you often perceive their actions through a tinted filter. Women should try to recognize if they are projecting onto their husband their own shortcomings or acting in harmful yet familiar patterns that reflect past events.

Drop It: Once the blame starts going back and forth and escalating out of control, it becomes almost impossible to resolve who did what or who is at fault. If your goal is really to be close again, then sometimes it is worth just dropping the past, putting down your guard, and simply being nice to each other. Unilateral disarmament can be a first step to getting back the easy and loving flow of feelings between you and your partner.

Calm yourself down: Women can better manage their husband’s temper by calming themselves down first and then approaching them. Issues will always arise between two, independent-minded people, and it is easy to get critical of someone who you know well enough to witness their weaknesses.

Reflect on your patterns: Once you have calmed down and stepped away from a heated situation with your husband, you can start to reflect. When you get triggered, it is important to take notice of the moment and ask why. Look for the thing you hate the most that your partner does and ask yourself what you do right before that.

Be open to feedback: As you start a dialogue, it is essential that you are open to what your partner has to say. Don’t be defensive when your partner gives you feedback. Look for the kernel of truth in what they’re saying, as it can benefit you far more than arguing every detail.

Communicate what you felt: Once you are calm and have given your husband the chance to express his perceptions, you can explain how you felt without placing blame or feeling victimized. You can offer feedback yourselves in a way that is direct, yet compassionate. It is important for women to communicate how they feel in interactions without acting like they are being wronged. 

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